IT‘S NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE EPILEPSY, I’M JUST SEIZURE-FREE

Any time I finish telling someone my story of my very last seizure, they always ask me the same question:

“So would you say you no longer have epilepsy?”

I don’t like to say I don’t have epilepsy, I just say I’m seizure-free.

By saying I’m seizure-free, I’m acknowledging that I may still have epilepsy, but I choose not to focus my energy there.

I know that my seizures were active in the past, and I know that I could possibly have a seizure any day. All I know is that right now, I am seizure-free.

I know that my brain cells still carry the memories of living with epilepsy as a roommate. But that doesn’t mean epilepsy no longer exists. Epilepsy could just be playing a very long game of hide-and-seek.

I acknowledge it still might be there living in my brain somewhere, but I don’t actively look for it. I just accept where it is, wherever it may be hiding.

I would rather acknowledge that I am living with epilepsy seizure-free, than I would run around living in denial believing that epilepsy no longer exists in my brain (when that might not be true). To me, saying I don’t have epilepsy would be like me unintentionally manifesting something I don’t want. Like if I was trying to convince myself that epilepsy no longer exists, I know that epilepsy would do anything to prove itself of it’s existence, and then as a result I would manifest having more seizures.

As backwards as it may sound, I believe that because I have accepted the reality that epilepsy may still live within me… I no longer have to obsess over hoping that I won’t have another seizure. Like if I don’t have one, great. If I do, then it happens. That’s just life. I’m not going to feed the fear of having another one. I will be present and affirm – Right now, I am seizure-free. Because who I am right now is all what matters.

So really, it’s not that I don’t have epilepsy. I do, I’m just seizure-free.